Excerpt of the Book

Chapter One:

Marriage and Relationship Difficulties

Couples often look back to when they first met, a time when they were so in love and happy. Over the years they wonder what has happened to “us.”

Has that loving feeling gone?

Now, all we do is bicker, feel disconnected and feel unhappy. Many couples begin to question their future. To be honest, I blame the “fairy tales.” We all know them, particularly women, when we believed that one day we will grow up, marry our prince and live in a castle! It’s quite an expectation that can lead to great disappointment as the years go by.

Marriage or long-term relationships are always a work in progress! We must evolve and continue to adapt to the many changes that occur in married life. It is common that our beliefs and values in life may change or may need to change.

Does this mean your marriage is over or are you willing to work through it and bring about change to the behaviour that has caused so much unhappiness?

Have you had enough of the petty arguments, the blame game, the nastiness, the yelling, and the tit for tat behaviour? Or, perhaps it’s the ignoring, the punishment, the 'deflecting' with the inability to have a constructive conversation.

Are you are feeling totally unsupported by the person who claims to love you? Are ready to walk out the door? If this, is you….read on!

The most common issue that causes relationship breakdown is poor communication, often followed by  conflicting values and beliefs and perhaps unrealistic expectations of one another. Problems with money can also create a huge strain on any relationship. When the relationship begins to break down couples tend to block any possible solutions and become ‘hypersensitive’ or ‘thin skinned’ to each other’s actions. Couples remain in a defensive mode waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

Couples can feel a sense of hopelessness as they are unsure how to improve the relationship. These negative emotions can actually create a resistance for any change to occur because their focus is on the difficulties. Many  couples can feel defeated and may say what’s the point, it won’t change.

Try to remember as you are reading this book that it is all about ‘behaviour’ not about the person. Can we change as people? No! We are who we are. Can we change behaviour? Absolutely!

Whether it is heterosexual relationships or same sex relationships, I have found through experience in counselling both, I have been somewhat surprised to find the behaviour is much the same. It is often about the roles each of us play and our ‘fight style.’

What I do know, if we do not bring about a change in behaviour within our marriages or relationships, and I might also add, in our families and as a society, we are going to see more relationship and family breakdown and continuing mental health problems. It is already happening. The separation and divorce rates are rising.

You may find this little book ‘confronting’ but if your marriage needs to improve, are you ready to take a good hard look at your own ‘behaviour,’ yes, your own behaviour and your own role in your relationship? If you are not prepared to do that, do not go any further. Put the bloody book down now! Do you feel it is time to make some personal changes?

It has been a ‘hell’ few years around the world. In Australia it all began with devastating bush fires caused by a long-term drought, quickly followed by the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdowns. We are now experiencing the opposite of drought with severe flooding and difficulties with the economic downturn, interest rate increases and the high cost of living. It all feels a little crazy, doesn’t it?

Can we blame COVID-19 and all the other issues we have faced lately for the problems and the increase in relationship breakdown? To a degree, yes, but I do feel it has simply brought many of the ‘cracks’ that were already there in relationships, to the surface.

It has been without a doubt, a challenging time for everyone and it has and will continue to impact many marriages and relationships.  

I heard an expert say that what most people are distressed about is all the ‘uncertainty.’ While the current economic climate has been a difficult time for all of us, where in anyone’s life are we guaranteed certainty? Seriously? I have been on this planet for many years and my own life and marriage has experienced many uncertainties. While it is important to plan and set goals and hold on to dreams and wishes for the future, it is delusional to think that everything we plan will come to fruition.

As we go through these difficult times we still need to take care of one another. When we look at what is happening around the world, what everyone in Australia needs to feel is some sense of ‘gratitude’!

I feel it a lesson in ‘resilience’ and possibly a ‘wakeup call’ in loving more, being kinder, more respectful and to count our blessings.